at the beginning.

i have to laugh. after a very rough morning with the kids, as i finished up in the shower, i thought to myself that i should start to write again. when i logged into my blog account i saw that the below post set as "draft."  i laugh because i wrote it about 1 year ago and haven't really taken action on it.  i did do a 30-day de-cluttering and we have improved our finances a bit (even though we now have a bass boat sitting in our driveway, and 2 new cars), so i guess not all is lost.  i guess my lesson for today is just to keep going. start where i am at...even if i cannot live today by this quote.  thank you universe.

"i wish i could give credit to whoever said this. wrote this. thought this. but for now i am taking this to heart and owning this...or at least trying to own it. this is the beginning.

i started writing this post by jotting down all the things that i felt were wrong or stressful about my life, but decided to stop focusing on the negatives. not that i wont have hard moments, or slip ups that set me back, but that i need to find the little ways i can make changes and not be so hard on myself.

improvement in diet. connection with my family. DECLUTTER/DECRAP-IFY my home (this is a big one, as i feel like i spend all my free time cleaning and putting away crap...tons of crap). improve finances.

reading now: the underground railroad
grateful for: jojo's kisses on my eye, bean helping carry in groceries, louie's snuggles"

reading now: before we were yours
grateful for: daycare so that i can have a little down-time

not so beautiful.

I have to laugh.  The universe has a very funny way of messing with your plans.  This morning was one of those moments. 

I went to NYC for the past few days with a dear friend of mine and my cousin.  While there we there we went to see Beautiful.  It is a play on Broadway about Carole King's life.  I love King's music and how I didn't know this play existed is beyond me.  It was fabulous, amazing, and beautiful.  Her life was just incredible.  The tile of the play is based on of one of her songs "Beautiful."  It really struck a cord with me.  As I listened to it on the drive home, I thought to myself...this is how I am going to try to start my day every morning..."You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face, And show the world all the love in your heart." 

This is not how I woke up this morning.

What there was on my face this morning was anger.  Anger at my children.  Anger at my husband.  Anger at myself.  Lack of sleep, a spilled drink all over the mattress, cat vomit on the floor, and much defiance over clothes/shoes/diapers/breakfast.  And it all began at 545am. 

It deeply upsets me when the day starts out this way for my family.  I struggle with getting mad and angry with the kids.  I am left with a feeling of deep regret when I yell.  I know it is normal and that it happens to everyone, but it is still hard.  I really try to work towards peaceful parenting and not letting myself escalate when shit hits the fan, but sometimes shit really does hit the fan....then splatter everywhere, ricochet, and deeply embed itself into every nook and cranny.

There is always tomorrow.  

my body. foreign territory.

 unrolled.

 Olivia stretched out

I turned 33 two days ago and all I keep thinking about is something my cousin said to me about the 33rd year begin a special one.  Not sure if there is something magical or mystical about 33, but I am going to run with it anyway and use it as an excuse to get my butt in gear and make some changes.

This past year has been one of many transitions and changes...most good, some uncomfortable and not so fabulous.  My family moved from our home in RI, where we were finally building a community, to western NY.  From the "hustle and bustle" of city-ish life, to a quiet town in the woods.  I started a new job, the kids a new school, and my husband a new position with a total new skill set.  We moved into a new house and cultivated a home. 

Now that we are settled, I have been thinking a lot about what is important to me.  I have a little more time with myself and my family since we moved here, and I have been wanting to motivate towards things that have seemed out of reach for the past few years....most specifically my yoga practice and all that it brings with it.

When I was in midwifery school I became part of the Ashtanga yoga community.  Introduced by a dear friend and teacher, this practice sucked me in.  The repetition, consistency, and community of it allowed me to flourish in it's environment.  The very early morning, 6 day a week practice in the shala wooed my heart.  A 2 month trip to India fueling the fire.  However, after graduation, moving, and starting a new job as a midwife, my practice very quickly disappeared.  I had no motivation to practice on my own, no shala to call my home, no community....and I withered.  I could not and did not get to my mat.  It stayed rolled up in my closet, forgotten. 

Today, I got back on my mat.  I have to say it was a bit of a disaster.  The fluidity, flexibility, strength, and calmness of mind that I remember from my practice was almost non-existent.  Stress, 2 pregnancies and births, and no practice for 6 years, has left me feeling like a stranger in my body.  I almost don't know what to do or how to move.  I am scared.  Scared that I will slink away from the practice in fear.  Fear that my body cannot/will not move as it used to.  Fear that without a yoga community I will loose motivation.  Fear that I won't stick with it.  To be honest, I am not sure that I can do this.

What I do know is that I want my practice back.  I am going to have to learn that perfection is not going to happen...and I have to be ok with that.  I may have to reach out to fellow Ashtangis scattered around the country.  I may have to learn to be ok with myself where I am.  I have to create my own space to grow in.  I am not going to set any bars or standards, no lists of what I want to accomplish; only a daily, conscious effort to move forward.  Slowly as it may be.

 my silly lady who always makes me laugh

"single mama"

This week Mark is away on business and I am doing the "single" parent thing.  Not truly single parenting, as I was able to change my schedule so I don't have to work during the week and have daycare/Montessori where the kids go so I can get some work around the house done and errands completed.  This is what I have come to realize after the first 3 days...

1. I love my children, but they are exhausting

2. It is really hard to not have a partner to support you and back you up, especially when both kids are crying, the dog shit on the floor, and the pasta is boiling over

3. Shaving your legs is over-rated...though itchy

4. My daughter really misses her dad and is definitely "off her game"...even though when he is here she will resist his kisses and refuse to let him put her to bed

5. I have no idea how anyone is a single parent without significant family and social support.  There is no way I would have been able to go to work and do my job if I didnt have anyone to help...for free.

6. Pets SUCK when you are the only adult.  Walking the dogs in the AM and PM is quiet the ordeal, especially when Oscar takes FOREVER to poop.  Thank god I can pen the kids up in the kitchen and can keep my eye on them while I walk the dogs in the backyard.

7. Bedtime is even more awesome.  Thank god for a margarita, a good book and my fireplace.

Much respect to single mamas and papas!

Much love!

friendship

I am an introvert.  I know this about myself.  I would rather sit on the couch with a book than go out to a party.  I am shy in new places, with new people.  I find small talk exhausting.

I have been thinking a lot about friendship since moving.  I do much better face-to-face, and one-on-one...which makes it very hard since moving away from my dearest friends. Talking on the phone is not ideal.  I want to see the person, connect with them, touch them.  Distance is hard.

I was struck this week when my friend had her baby with how deeply this moved me.  I was caught off guard at how emotional it was.  I couldn't be there physically, but all of my energy was with her.  The power of becoming a family.  The power of labor and birth.  The power of motherhood.  It was almost a visceral reaction that I wasn't prepared to experience.  Is it because I am a midwife?  A woman?  Or, is it the invisible threads of friendship that know no distance?  My heart is full.    

Below some pictures from the week.  We took the kids to Tanglewood Nature Center.  We all had a blast looking at all the animals...and even got a private tour of the birds of prey that had been moved inside due to cold weather.

end of a year

This year no lofty resolutions to change my life.  Only try to enjoy the moment, find the beauty, and enjoy the ride.

To last year's wonderful moments...

A buoyancy

The past few days have been positive and healthy in many ways.  Sometimes I feel like when it rains it pours, but also that when it is sunny it is a beautiful blinding light as well.

I received a small, but BIG, package from my dear cousin.  Upon hearing about how sick the family has been she "brewed" me up some natural oils to help scare the plague away from our house.  The cough blend has been great to help with the hacking cough the kids have, especially in combination with the Breathe oils in the humidifier (not pictured here).  While I am hopeful that the flu has taken its last Maloney victim, I have been putting the Flu Shot in a Bottle on the kids feet at night to boost immunity (as directed:).  I have at times dabbled in oils, specifically lavender for relaxation and eucalyptus for stuffiness, but have not really invested much thought in it.  My cousin swears by them, causing me to start my mind churning about using them more.  My scientific mind wants to research their efficacy and be all nerdy about it...we will see if my energy can rise to meet the occasion.  Either way, they aren't hurting anything and it leaves the kids smelling great:)

My best friend came to visit me over the weekend from Philadelphia.  She and I went to nursing and midwifery school together, and shared many of our waking hours locked in conversation.  After she left on Monday, I was filled with a buoyancy that is difficult to describe.  I processed through this with my therapist the other night, wondering how such a short visit with this wonderful woman could make me feel lighter.  Yes she is my best friend, that is a given and obvious answer, but there just seems to be so much more.  Her love, honesty and rawness touches me so deeply.  She makes me tap into my alternative, non-mainstream, hippy self.  There is a comfort, where things do not always need explanation or words.  We get to dream and scheme of working together, thrift store shopping, and changing the world.  She just gets me.  And I love her for it.

My husband is entering into the world of home-brewing.  Yep, he has moved onto brewing his own beer.  Let me take this moment to say that my husband, very much like my father, never does anything half-ass.  When he gets interested in something, whether it be guitars, cigars, politics, or now brewing, he learns EVERYTHING there is to know.  I have to laugh in the AM, when I pull out the computer and see his most recent search on google.  This morning it was "dry hopping".  His enthusiasm makes me giggle.

I read this article the other day on cultural concepts that don't exist in the US.  It made me wonder if we have anything like this in the US.  Not sure that we do.  I have copied the link below if you are interested in reading.

What I am reading now: Boston Girl

http://cdn-origin.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/blogs/7-cultural-concepts-we-dont-have-in-the-us

Soapbox

This is a soapbox post.  I apologize...

While driving my son's pumped breast milk to daycare today, I heard a story on NPR (which is always on the radio in my car if Peppa Pig or Super Why isn't:) that made my anger boil.  I had to write a post about it because currently, in Texas, the government is slowly chipping away at a woman's right to choose and it is beyond frustrating.  Below is a short little snip-it of the article/news cast that made me the most upset.

      "Texas Gov. Elect Greg Abbott has defended the abortion law as the state's attorney general. He's been clear that he opposes abortion, even in cases of rape and incest.

     "I'm Catholic, and I want to promote a culture of life that supports both the health and safety of both the mother and child, both before and after birth," Abbott said in a campaign debate last fall."

This is NOT ok.  Why is your right to choice (of religion and beliefs) more important that those of others, specifically woman and their families?!  Religion should play NO part in politics.  While I may not agree with someone's beliefs, they 100% have every right to have them and I respect their opinions.  However, a persons beliefs should not be forced onto anyone or impact the choices they are allowed to make, specifically with regards to their OWN BODIES.  If you are Catholic (or put in any other belief system) and if you don't believe in abortion, then don't have one, but PLEASE do not make that decision for others.

If you want to support women and children, then how about we provide access to healthcare, access to reproductive health services (including abortion), support for working women, improvement in education (including sex-ed), and fighting to end poverty....just to name a few.  I am a midwife, and everyday I support women, children, future children, and families....and I am PRO-CHOICE.

A few abortion facts via http://www.guttmacher.org
     >At current rates, about one in three American women will have had an abortion by the time she reaches age 45. 
     >58% of women having abortions are in their 20s
     >61% have one or more children
     >85% are unmarried
     >69% are economically disadvantaged
     >73% report a religious affiliation
     >No racial or ethnic group makes up a majority: 36% of women obtaining abortions are white
           non-Hispanic, 30% are black non-Hispanic, 25% are Hispanic and 9% are of other racial
           backgrounds

For the fully NPR article:
http://www.npr.org/2015/01/07/375396952/u-s-court-weighs-texas-laws-burden-on-women-seeking-abortions

B.R.A.T.

Yes, the B.R.A.T. diet has been instituted at my house.  It is currently in full effect.  In case you have not heard of this wonderful diet, let me share it with you.  This is the diet that you start when your toddler vomits all over your bed at 2am and then proceeds to have diarrhea in her underwear.  It stands for Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast.  I am not entirely sure how we got another GI bug so quickly, but apparently if you are in the market for a colon cleanse then head over to our house.  There is nothing quite like stripping the bed of sheets, washing said sheets once the puke has been cleaned off them (since the last time this happened my husband just threw the vomit laden sheets into the washing machine and I had to clean up washed food particles from the metal basin...not a fun experience), and bathing a crying 2 year old in the middle of the night.

Today was spent with everyone recovering.  I slept.  Mark slept.  Bean slept.  JoJo slept.  Hopefully the house is now on the road to recovery.  I am happy to report that "sleep training" is working out...so far.  I am terrified to count my chickens before they hatch, but at least we are moving in a good direction.

Mark and I have been talking a lot about canning.  Even writing that I feel like it conjures up images of nasty pickled eggs or something equally as gross, but it is something i am pretty excited about.  Mark makes his own tomato sauce and I make my own applesauce, so it will be perfect.  If we get our new house, it has ~20+ blueberry and raspberry bushes, so jam will definitely be in the making.  We have to do some more reading (as we don't want to get botulism), but pictures to come when we finally commit.

I am on-call tonight, but got to put the kids to bed before I left, which is always a Strawberry! 

Keep Calm and Call the Midwife... just not tonight, so I can get some sleep:)

Crazy

I had full intentions of re-starting my blogging on New Years Day. I was going to put the kids to bed, make a cup of coffee and write....oh how the road to hell is paved with good intentions. My kids have been sick this past week with a GI bug and then bad colds, leading to a not so good night of trying to get them to sleep and keep them asleep. My 5 month old son is already a bad sleeper, combine that with being sick, and needless to say everyone was not snug in their beds till 11:30! That sleepless night was then followed by another sleepless night on-call at the hospital.

 Let me start by saying I don't think that I have anything crazy or interesting that is out-of-this-world worth blogging about, but I need an avenue to write and journaling has never stuck with me (although I do love to buy them:). As I have said in a previous post back in 2011, I was told by a healer in India that I should write. That it would be good for me. After the visit with him I took none of his advice. After my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack with no history of heart problems (of which the healer said he had issues with his heart) and after I recently was diagnosed with Celiac disease (after he told me to stop eating wheat), I am taking those two signs as a chance to actually listen to what he said. Thank god I wrote it all down!

 I am a mother of two wonderful children, age 2 1/2 and 5 months, who suck all my energy...but I love every minute of it (well, except at 3am when I cannot get the baby to sleep...that I could do without). I recently went back to my job as a full-time midwife after a very nice 4 month maternity leave. The transition has been difficult, as we have a new medical record system, and I feel like I have to tape my eyelids open to not fall asleep at my desk. I love what I do and the women that I work with, but I definitely have days where I cry in the car after I drop my kids off at daycare.

The main focus of this blog is going to be centered around my family's New Year's resolution. We made a commitment to living a healthier life in 2015. My husband and I are notoriously bad at keeping our resolutions, so we decided to make it more broad and work on it from many angles. This resolution is not specific to "body health", although that is part of it. We want to be healthier in all that we do-- mind, body and spirit. We have talked about some ways this will happen:

Hopefully get into our new home
Start our own veggie gardens
Get bees and make our own honey
 Eat better and more "whole"-some foods
Get more involved politically
Dance and smile more
Go hiking
Really really try to get back to the yoga mat
Spend more time together as a family

Those are just a few ideas. I am hoping it will evolve organically and create a lot of fun along the way. In going with the blog name, I am also going to try to name 1 positive thing from the day...the strawberry. So today my strawberry is that I was able to leave the hospital a little early this AM and get home by 8am to see my family.

Until tomorrow!

Currently reading: Cuckoo's Calling (and also reading The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight...can you tell I am desperate to get my baby to sleep?!)

To Texas

Tomorrow I leave for Texas. This was a trip planned prior to my father's death and something that I know he would want me to do. However, as I sit here at my mother's computer, with 3 recent photos of my father in front of me, I am reluctant to go.

Dealing with death is a funny thing. As a health care provider, I have read the stages of grieving. I know the importance of acceptance. I know the importance of not pretending it doesn't exist. As a human being and daughter, none of these things make sense to me. I went home to Rhode Island after his death and dove back into work, keeping up my house, and dinner with friends. Texas means I have none of those distractions. I will have to face his death and that pain it has left. This, I know, I am not good at.

I am hoping that my trip to Texas will be a positive one. A time to remember all the amazing things that made my father who he was. To remind me he is always with me in heart and spirit.

Hope

I love his work.

Forever Ago

It has been forever ago that I last posted. I had given up on blogging, feeling that there was nothing "exciting" worth blogging about...or reading about, for that matter. I have decided to start back up, if only to purge my thoughts, but maybe also to stay connected to those that are far from me.

A lot has happened. Where to start....

1) My new home (not exactly new any more) is Hope, Rhode Island. I love my home. Cows across the street. Lake in the back. Wonderful neighbors. And space. Lots of space.

2) I have transitioned into a full-time midwife. The past year has been very bumpy and I was not sure I would make it, but, amazingly I did. And I feel stronger for it.

3) My father died. One day he was there, and the next he was gone. This is not something that I have completely come to grips with and something that has deeply effected me in ways that I am not even sure I am aware of yet. This is a daily struggle for me.

4) I have not been on my mat for almost a year!

A year ago I would not have believed any of these things were possible. Not a single one. I spoke with a yogi friend of mine today and just talking with her motivated me to start blogging again. If if it is only for me, maybe it will help me to be more aware, present, and reflective.

So, I am going to start practicing again. Even if it is just Surya A and B, with closing postures, I will get back to my mat.

I am going to keep up with my reading. Less TV. More books.

I am going to start journaling/writing. I was told to do this by a healer in India, and have resisted.


What I am reading now: The Tiger's Wife

Not Just About The Coffee

Short and sweet today.

Grabbing a cup of coffee (or tea) is never just about the coffee. I love the event of sitting in a coffee shop, talking, laughing, and just being in the moment of it all. Coffee breaks are what helped me make it through midwifery school. Taking a small break from all the chaos that surrounds our lives and really enjoying the company of another till the very last drop.

I had coffee this morning, after practice, with a dear friend. We talked and listened to each other. We laughed. We theorized. We traded stories. I think that some of the most profound moments through out my life were discussed over coffee. I love leaving a conversation with thoughts to ponder and mull over...chew on and swirl around in the back of my mind. I love to be inspired by those around me. I yearn to learn passion from passion, spirit from spirit, and contentment from contentment…and even more, acceptance from acceptance. Amazing what can be done over coffee.

I truly cherish these moment of connectedness.

A Pit in My Stomach, A Knot in My Throat

Today is one of those days where I dont have any real pressing issues that need to be addressed. No papers to fax or bills to pay. Just a little down time. And what did I do with this "down time" you ask...I watched Food, Inc.

This is a movie that I have wanted to see for some time. I have a very hard time with these types of movies. When I went to see Fast Food Nation in theaters, I spent the last 10 minutes of the movie with my eyes shut tight as tears streamed down my face. This movie spurred in me the same reaction. By the end of it I think I cried 5 different times, and was left with the biggest pit in my stomach and a huge knot in my throat.

I am in no way perfect. While I consider myself vegetarian, I am times will eat fish and still wear leather shoes or purchase a leather bag on occasion. I often find myself buying food out of convenience instead of nutrition or impact to the environment. I feel compelled to blog only because in watching this movie I was reminded of something someone said to me in India while at a lecture on nutrition. While paraphrasing, the jest of the statement was that our energy goes into all that we do. The example he used was that if an animal is scared, in pain, or suffering, this goes into our food. The energy of the person that slaughters that animal goes into our food. We then eat this animal and absorb all this negativity.

I am sure that you can see the larger implications of this statement in most things in our lives. It is not about not eating meat, but about the energy that fuels what we put into our body and bring into our lives. I was so taken aback by the grand scope of impact that our American food culture has had. From animal abuse, to people falling ill from hyper-resistant strains of e-coli, to exploitation of immigrants, to obesity. How is this good for us? How does this help us?

At this moment I feel hugely overwhelmed. I feel like this is a topic I keep revisiting in my life and always end up falling back into old habits. I change where I shop for food only to realize that I am having difficulty affording it. I buy organic only to find out it may not make a difference. I buy one brand over another, only to find out they were bought out by some mega-company. It is so deeply confusing and hard. I am not sure where to re-start or how to do it differently this time around. Suggestions very welcome.

To be continued...

Anahata Chakra

I have been wanting to sit down and write this blog since I got home last night, but as I sank into the couch fatigue settled in. So, as I sit here with my cup of coffee and an english muffin, I write my "ah-ha" moment from yesterday.

I preface this post with a "warning." If you dont believe in healers (the spiritual kind, not the physicians we have come to regard in our culture as healers) then you might find this posting a little hokey. With that having been said, if you desire please read on.

I did not write about this during my trip because at the time the experience seemed very personal and I was still trying to place all the pieces into some kind of graspable form. I bring it up now because of the connection I made with it the other day. While in India, during my travels towards the end of my trip, I went to a healer. I, true to my nature, was skeptical. I went in expecting that he would tell me some vague generalization that could be applied to anyone's life in manipulated in the right way. While the session lasted 30 minutes, with all the details taking too long to type out here, in a nutshell, this man told me things about myself that no one but me could have ever known. One thing that he told me was that my heart chakara, the fourth one, was blocked. What does this mean? It means that I have a hard time opening up and letting people in. I am skeptical, critical (especially of myself), and at times can be distant or hard to read. He told me that I had to work on opening up this chakra because it was not good for my health. Without even telling him, he said..."this is the cause of your migraines."

I know what this healer said, all that he said, to be true. And last night, I realized why the yoga community that I practice with has such a profound place in my life. They help me to open my heart chakra.

So often I write about how important my yoga family is in my life, but I don’t think I ever had a very tangible explanation why. I just knew, somewhere deep down, that it had become part of who I am. The fellow students, the teacher, the space had all become woven into the matrix of what made me ME.

They do so much than just push me out of the bed to come to practice when all I want to do is hit the snooze button. They teach me compassion and humility. They teach me to laugh at myself. They teach me to relish in the excitement of a good book. They teach me to soften (especially my shoulders☺). They teach me acceptance by showing acceptance. They share wisdom and insight. They have taught me how to live my life and open my heart.

Two statements stand out in my mind from last night. One dear yogi said, “It is what we do off the mat. If it was just about the asanas then this practice would be no different that the cirque du soleil.” Another dear yogi said, “To manifest change there are three components. One is the sangha (community) that helps to set the example of what you want to become. How you should live. What you should aspire to.”

To these two yogis. To all the yogis I practice with every morning. To my teacher. Thank you.

At the Present Moment

Things have been very busy. There are very few constants in the equation and many variables orbiting around. Here are things as they stand...

1. I got a job!

2. We have accepted a bid on our Philly home and are awaiting the home inspection.

3. Sunday we head up to Providence, RI to start looking for houses. Very scary.

4. My practice is on its road to becoming more steady, more consistent. I am trying to take in every moment with my teacher, the studio, and especially my yoga family.

5. I got a library card! I know this sounds so mundane, but I am actually very excited about it. It has become quite costly to buy books with the amount I am reading these days, so I thought I would borrow from the library till I start my job. Its kind of exciting to have almost unlimited choices and they are all FREE! The only draw back is most of the books are hardcover...not my favorite.

6. Things for the wedding are coming together quite well. Trying to get all the ends tied up, at least somewhat, before we leave.


In the chaos I have noticed some "Small Surprises"...

1. A high-five at the end of practice from your teacher really is a nice start to the day. Amazing how something so familiar placed in an unusual setting can really bring a smile to your face.

2. I love my house. As things draw closer to moving, I realize how much I love our home, our street, our lives in Philly.

3. I love practice.

4. The house is way too quiet without the dogs and cats, and the bed now feels super huge and spacious.

5. Registering for wedding gifts is actually a lot of fun.

6. I am growing up...

Above are some pictures of the house from the listing. It looks so different without all our "junk" in it.

Not So Rosie the Riveter

Today was my first day back to complete second series after almost 3 months of practicing only primary while in Mysore. How did it go you ask? Well, lets just say I am no Rosie the Riveter. I am always amazed when I become very conscious and in tune with my body. Because of my background in gymnastics I have always felt that there was an ease in the physical practice. Not that I don't have to work hard, but I believe there is a memory of flexibility and strength. There is an aspect of the asanas that just come naturally, and sometimes without consciousness of how the postures are manifesting. This has its positives and its negatives. One draw back is sometimes I am not as connected with the physical. Today I was.

For the past 2 years I have practiced second series with consistent regularity. My body got to a point where the movement flowed with some level of steadiness. My muscles remembered each pose, each intention. Unknowingly, the strength was there and was growing. What I am amazed with is there I was so unaware of the strength I had built up. The energy paths that I developed. I was completely in the dark about how my practice had grown. How my body had grown.

When I began my practice today I was not aware of the realization that I would have. As I moved through the postures, not only did I have to think very hard about the order but it was like I was dragging my body, struggling through every pose. The things that have always come easily, were difficult. Poses that I just move right into needed every ounce of energy and concentration to get into. All the strength that I had developed seemed completely absent. Gone. This practice was such a tangible experience that has really opened my eyes to how important it is to take care of the body. Nothing is permanent.

My teacher commented on my Kapotasana today. This has to be one of the most uncomfortable poses in second series. He said..."hold it longer." HOLD IT LONGER! HOLD IT LONGER! He clearly did not get the memo that this pose is lacks any comfort is any way shape or form:) When I asked him what he meant he said..."hold it longer and really feel the circular flow of energy from the head and hands into the feet." I get this...at least in the mental aspect. Tomorrow I will try to get it on the physical and energetic level....maybe....if I can hold it longer.

Day Light Savings

I have been the biggest blog slacker. My last two weeks in India went completely unreported. Not even a picture to document my travels.

In attempt to make up for lost time I have posted some pictures from the last two weeks in India. I hope you enjoy.

Since being back things have been moving at a somewhat fast pace. In the span of two weeks I have passed my midwifery boards, decided to probably move out of Philly, met with a real estate agent about selling our house, and got a job interview! So much change happening so quickly. It is exciting and scary all at the same time.

Practice has been very sweet since being back. There is something deeply comforting about practicing next to friends. Practicing next to people who you have seen day in and day out, spent early early mornings with, laughed next to, and maybe even occasionally fallen over onto their mats. There are a lot of new people, and I still feel a little like I have been away forever and missed a big transition period, but I am sure this will pass.

This morning I arrived at the studio, at what I thought was on time. I was so confused. The room was packed and everyone was almost half way though their practice. It was only at the moment that I laid my mat down that I realized it was day light savings! Silly Me.

A Practice of the Self

It is my last week of practice in Mysore. I am both sad and joyous. For some reason today I am in a bit of a funk. Not sure why and cannot pinpoint the origin. I guess everyone has a bad day.

Practice was good. Strong. Steady. I caught my calves in dropbacks and stood on my own for the whole 5 breaths. This is something I never imagined possible.

There is a lot that I never imagined possible that has happened on this trip. Unfortunately, I dont think that it would all translate in a blog. I have had numerous "ah-ha" moments and really grown in both my practice and in my spirit. I have done a lot of deep exploration of my body and my mind. It is because of this that I am excited about returning home in 2 weeks. I am constantly questioning myself and challenging myself to stay rooted in what I have learned here. I am aware of the difficulty of transplanting information and knowledge from one environment into another environment, but am ready to take on the task.

I was discussing self-practice with a friend today, and in thinking about it all now, these are my thoughts in a much more broad interpretation. In the end it is you and only you. There will be teachers, friends, community, but ultimately you determine your path, your progress, your destination. It is not how others see you, but how you see yourself, connect with that self, and accept that self. Ultimately, that is what matters and that is where happiness is cultivated. From within.

Here in Mysore, in the shala, I feel very connected with the notion of self-practice. Even though there are many practicing at once, and the shala is filled from wall to wall, there is a level of individuality, singularity, and independence. For the most part, you are left to your self to "figure" things out and amazingly...you do. In many ways I think a better term would be "a practice of the self." Just as other realizations that I have had here, I am not sure that feeling is measurable or describable.

Trice and I went to the palace the other night. It is completely lit up for 1 hour on Sundays. It was beautiful and more than we ever expected. The day before we spend the afternoon wondering around the market.

I promise to stop being such a slacker and make sure to blog these last few days. I am unsure what the last 2 weeks of travel with hold with regards to internet access, but I will try to post at least some pictures.